What’s your Promise?

Genesis 15:6 “Abram believed the Lord. And the Lord accepted Abram’s faith, and that faith made him right with God.”

What is the promise are you holding tight to?

As I write this, I had to stop and ask myself what’s the purpose of writing this? And I believe it’s to remind my soul of the promise, even when the promise seems so far away. It’s for accountability sake – so that for anyone who’s reading this – would remind me of the promise when I want to give up on it. So, here’s to the promise.

The journey through infertility can be so daunting at times and you often find yourself wondering if what you’re praying for will actually come to be. Will I become pregnant someday? Will I get to hold my baby someday? Will I have the family that I’ve always dreamt of? That’s why, for me, I make it my priority to protect the promise God has given me for this specific season.

At the beginning of our journey, back in 2021, I can honestly say that I didn’t know what God said about John and I starting a family. And if I’m being fully transparent, I left Him out of that conversation. Not that He wasn’t a part of our lives, but I simply didn’t ask Him for a promise for this season. And I think I didn’t include Him because I never would have thought that I needed a promise to stand on. Maybe I thought I would never need Him in this way?

Because I thought our journey to parenthood would be so easy – that it would be a one-two-three kind of process. Step number one – decide that we want to start our family. Step number two – get pregnant. Step number three – have the baby and become parents. Because why wouldn’t it be that easy?

But after a year into our journey, I finally swallowed my pride and asked God to join us on this journey. At this point, I felt so broken. After a year of trying and monthly getting a “no”. A year of hoping and dreaming and then feeling cut down at the knees every day that dream got further and further away.

It was at this point in our journey, at the end of 2022, that I was told I had PCOS and that our journey would not look like the journey I had planned or expected. I was told that our best bet would be IUI or IVI, or some other fertility intervention and to not plan on getting pregnant naturally. To say I was devastated was an understatement. While I tried to hide this on the outside, inside a war was raging.

I felt betrayed by my body. Why would it not do the one thing it was created to do? I felt shame. Why me? Why can’t I bear life? I felt rejection from God. Why was He not giving John and I a baby? What had I done to deserve this? Why had He turned away from me? Was this punishment? Was God mad at me? I felt so alone. Why was everyone else having the fairytale and not me? I felt guilty. Did I cause this? I felt anger, rage, cynicism. I felt like I was letting my husband down. I felt like I had to hide what was really going on inside of my head and heart for the sake of not being called a “Bad Christian”. I felt like everything was spinning out of control. I felt like running from God and just giving up. I felt so defeated. God, why?

There was this battle raging inside of me. A war for my joy, for my peace, for my sound mind, for my hope, for my trust in the Lord. I could feel darkness beginning to overtake me.

But God.

I’ve learned that it’s at dead-end moments like this in life, where I have never felt closer to God. It says in His word that He is close to the broken hearted – and I have experienced this time and time again throughout this journey.

At the beginning of 2023, I found myself at a women’s leadership team meeting. The night was ending, and our Pastor decided to end that night with a time of prayer.  I can remember sitting in the corner of the room, wanting the night to be over, and thinking to myself, “God, do you even see me?” “Do you even care that I feel so broken?” “why have you abandoned me in this?”

This night became a Genesis moment – a shift in everything I had been feeling and thinking - A change in my perspective of my season.

That night I received not one, not two, but three, encouraging and life-giving words from God that flooded my heart with hope again. It was like God was saying to me I’ve been with you this whole time. He was ready to pour out His merc, grace, and comfort to me and I, I was finally ready to receive it.

In that moment, I knew that God saw me, that He cared about me, that He was there in the pain and that He wanted me to hope again. That same night, when I got home, I wanted more, so I asked God, “God what do you say about my season. I need to know. I need hope. I need a promise to hold onto”.

And He graciously gave me a picture - It was a picture of Jesus holding our someday baby. In minds-eye I could so vividly see Jesus holding our son, wrapped in a blue blanket. What I saw next, was Jesus turning away from me, carrying our son further and further away, while whispering to my soul “not yet”.

While this may not have been a burning bush sort of thing or a super spiritual word or even the word I would have wanted Him to give me – those two words – sparked hope that would continue to grow. Because while He said, “not yet” I knew that it meant that someday that baby He was holding, WOULD be in my arms. That moment brought with it peace and a stillness. The raging sea that was inside my heart and mind became beautiful and still. I know had a promise to hold on to. For someone who can struggle with believing what God says at times, I was convinced. I believed.  

Since that day, there have multiple times along our journey where I have asked God to show me more, tell me more, and reveal more to me.  And He’s been so gracious.

He’s given other people words of wisdom to speak over me. He’s given us scripture and words to stand on. He’s even given me another vivid picture of Jesus holding our baby again, but this time He was walking towards us, saying “get ready”. Every small whisper, word of encouragement, picture, and song lyric that felt like Jesus Himself was singing it to me– all those little moments, continued to ignite my hope and build it.

I even have names picked out for our children, when a year ago I wouldn’t have even wanted to think about baby names because what if I never get to use them. The promise has changed things…

And this hope was being built, even while doctors’ reports were telling me the exact opposite of what my maker was saying. Even when friends around me were becoming pregnant and I was still stuck. Even when fertility treatments we were doing failed. And failed. And failed again. Even when, from the outside looking in, hope should have dwindled away and been replaced by despair – it continued to build. But that’s what a promise from God will do to someone who is willing to be brave enough to believe Him and what He says.

Now I have this resolve in my soul, in my heart – that someday – one day – our house will be full of children’s laughter. Someday I will hear the word Mama from a tiny voice that will remind me daily of faithfulness of God and that He is a God who keeps His promises.

But just because I have a promise – doesn’t automatically mean that everything is now super easy and it’s joy 24/7. The promise gave me hope, but my mission now is to protect that promise.

It’s my mission – no, it’s my mandate -  to stand guard against anything that would cause me to let go of my promise. That means standing guard against doubt, fear, discouragement. It means protecting my mind from the opinions of others who don’t sit at my table, doctors’ diagnosis, jealousy, and judgement. It means recognizing when I’m trying to take matters into my own hands and slip back into control.

It’s my mission to speak into that promise, to thank God for that promise, and to live every day KNOWING that the promise is on its way. Just like Abram, my job is to believe the Lord and to have faith that would be accepted by the Lord.

Even as I’m writing these words, thoughts like “you sound crazy” or “people will never believe you”, “did God really say that too you?” and “you just made this all up in your head to ease your pain” are racing through my mind. And I can’t help but think that Abram might have had those same thoughts along his journey too. But even with those thoughts, I don’t think Abram ever let go of the promise. Because those thoughts don’t negate the promise. In fact – they make me want to protect and stand firm in the promise even more.

I had a mentor say to me recently “Don’t you dare let go of the promise God gave you”.

Because if I’m being honest – it’s still hard to walk through this season even with a promise. There’s ups and downs and bad doctors’ appointments. There are moments when the promise seems further away than it was a month ago. There are times when I’ve questioned the promise and wondered if it’s really going to happen. There are times when I’ve tried to take the promise into my own hands and completely fell on my face. There are times when others have doubted the promise. There are moments where I see someone else get to experience the promise, I’m still waiting for…

But in those moments, I choose to lean into the promise. Because the promise brings hope and life. The promise reminds me of the heart and character of my God. The promise spurs me on in faith. The promise gives me direction. The promise causes me to sit at the feet of Jesus. The promise causes me to be still and know. The promise reminds me to be obedient. The promise tells me why I can go forward when everything else is telling me to give up. The promise has tethered my heart to Gods. The promise hasn’t made the process easier – but it has helped sustain me in the waiting.

I don’t know where you are at in your life – what season you are in or what you’re waiting for – but what I do know is that God wants to be in that season with you. He wants to encourage you. He wants to build up your faith. He wants you to trust Him.

As you’re in your season, what’s the promise God has given you? If you don’t know what it is – ask him! Search His word, seek His face, and wait on Him. I believe He is so gracious and kind that He WANTS to speak life to you. Even now I pray that you will receive your promise. And when you receive it, I pray that you will hold tight to it, live in it, and protect it. I pray that you will dare to hope, dare to believe, and dare to trust Him. Because it’s worth it. Just ask Abram…

Xo, Ashley